Relationship Rules, as I see them
Now, I've never truly been in a "real" relationship where we went on dates and didn't move in right away or move things too fast. But I'm pretty sure I have a decent idea of what not to do while in one, seeing as I have plenty of experience in what doesn't work.
Don't cheat.
Don't lie.
Don't pretend to be someone you're not just to make someone else happy.
Don't forget to tell the other person how you feel about them.
Take risks, but don't forget who you are in the process.
Don't change for someone else. Change to make yourself better, not because someone doesn't like your sense of humor or the clothes you wear or the music you like.
Compromise on the small things, but don't keep score. Don't do the "well, I cleaned the bathroom last time, so now you have to do it" or "I got up with the baby last night, now it's your turn".
Don't make the simple things into big things because you refuse to communicate how you are feeling. Yes, there will be times when you are in a bad mood and everything irritates the piss out of you. But that doesn't mean you have to take it out on the person you love, or even really, really like.
Be gentle.
Be kind.
Remember that your words can hurt and the words you say in anger cannot be so easily removed from memory.
Remember that, if you have kids, they learn so much more from what they see than from what you say. From personal experience, yelling in front of my daughter makes her yell at other kids when she's at the park. And this may seem vain or self-centered, but I don't want to be the parent that other parents dread seeing because my kid is out of control and misbehaves. The Gods know that there are plenty of other kids out there that fit that particular bill.
Do things alone. You don't have to like every single hobby that your significant other enjoys, and I believe you shouldn't have too many things in common with the person you are with. Differences help us grow and mature as individuals as well as as a couple.
Be prepared to humbly admit when you are wrong. There is nothing wrong with being incorrect, no matter the subject. It is all in how you react to being wrong that can create the problem.
We could all die tomorrow. If you really take a moment to let that sink in, and I don't mean for you to think about the apocalypse or any other mythical act of destruction, whether biblical or man-made. Just sit and let the thought sink in for a moment. Everything you see in front of you......Gone, tomorrow.
Now think of all the arguments and disagreements you've had in the past, oh lets say, the past week. Think of all the petty and inconsequential arguments that won't mean a damn thing in a year. Or even 6 months. Think of how many people would be gone that you could never apologize to for hurting them. Think about how many times you yelled at your child instead of giving them a hug. Think about how many times you went to bed mad and your partner slept on the couch or slept all the way on the other side of the bed from you, because you were too proud to admit that you were wrong.
I don't know about all of you, but the thought of that has made me change my ways. I haven't completely reformed myself; I'm not perfect. But it does give me pause to think about my actions before I speak in anger, hurt, despair, denial, or frustration. I am far from perfect, but I can always learn better ways to be.
Back to relationship rules.....
Be supportive. Unless he/she is a serial killer or rapist or something equally destructive to morals, be supportive.
If he wants to learn how to Riverdance like Michael Flatly, applaud him and buy him his first pair of tap shoes. Or glue some pennies on his shoes and throw on some Irish music.
If she wants to go to Engineering school to learn astrophysics and become an astronaut, then buy some batteries, a good calculator, and a slide rule, because that woman is gonna go to Mars! Women are from Mars anyway.
Be real with each other. If he does something you don't like, politely bring it up when it's just the two of you and explain why it bothers you. If he absentmindedly scratches where itches when out in public, take his hand and hold it while you walk through the mall. If she smacks her lips every time she eats something succulent or sweet, then politely ask her to stop chewing like a cow. :D
Some of the things I will never fully understand are the fact that both men and women will complain incessantly about all the things that their partner does that annoys them or irritates them. But they pause and have to think about what attracted them to their partner in the first place. What made them fall for him/her. If he/she annoys you so much that you cannot fire off one good reason or trait that you absolutely adore about your partner, then maybe you shouldn't be together. If all you can do is focus on the irritating side of things, maybe you aren't meant to be with that person. And if looks and physical things are all that pop into your head when you think about him/her, just remember......Looks fade, but personality usually stays the same.
Don't give up on that person though, before you have really taken the time to look at them. Look at all the things they do for you, whether you properly appreciate them or not. Look at all the fun times you had together. And if you can't remember the last time you spent an evening really together (and I don't mean just sitting on the couch watching the same program for an hour, laughing at the same jokes), then maybe it is time to invest in some couples time.
Put down your phone. We are so enthralled with our technology now that I am hard pressed to name one person I know that doesn't own a smartphone. Go out to dinner with another couple, and stack your phones in the middle of the table. The first person to check their phone, pays the bill.Sit and talk to each other like it's 1982 and you don't have the world at your fingertips.
Turn off the TV and turn off the competitive edge to everything. Stop trying to one-up everyone. Yes, competition drives the economy, most of the time. But when it comes to couples, stop trying to be the one who earns more, plays more, or sleeps more.
Watch a documentary on PBS that neither of you like. Watch it, then turn the TV off and discuss what you just watched. Don't spend all of your time doing the same old thing.
Obviously, since I've spent more of my adult life single than with someone, I don't expect anyone to take my advice. But remember, those who can't do, teach. Those who can't wed, plan. :D I probably won't be planning any weddings any time soon, but I can hope that people learn from my own horrible dating experiences and remember what NOT to do.
Be humble. Be supportive. Be kind. Be loyal. Be truthful. Be you, because there is only one of you and no one can replace you. I have an ego of "I'm the best out there and you'll have to be damn special to change that", simply because I have yet to meet someone that is able to handle me and all my honesty and loyalty. Those who said they could, were proven to be liars and posers.
I may spend all of my life alone, never married. But that doesn't make me less of a person to go through life alone. It simply means that I am far too amazing to be tethered to one person. And I am ok with that.
Don't cheat.
Don't lie.
Don't pretend to be someone you're not just to make someone else happy.
Don't forget to tell the other person how you feel about them.
Take risks, but don't forget who you are in the process.
Don't change for someone else. Change to make yourself better, not because someone doesn't like your sense of humor or the clothes you wear or the music you like.
Compromise on the small things, but don't keep score. Don't do the "well, I cleaned the bathroom last time, so now you have to do it" or "I got up with the baby last night, now it's your turn".
Don't make the simple things into big things because you refuse to communicate how you are feeling. Yes, there will be times when you are in a bad mood and everything irritates the piss out of you. But that doesn't mean you have to take it out on the person you love, or even really, really like.
Be gentle.
Be kind.
Remember that your words can hurt and the words you say in anger cannot be so easily removed from memory.
Remember that, if you have kids, they learn so much more from what they see than from what you say. From personal experience, yelling in front of my daughter makes her yell at other kids when she's at the park. And this may seem vain or self-centered, but I don't want to be the parent that other parents dread seeing because my kid is out of control and misbehaves. The Gods know that there are plenty of other kids out there that fit that particular bill.
Do things alone. You don't have to like every single hobby that your significant other enjoys, and I believe you shouldn't have too many things in common with the person you are with. Differences help us grow and mature as individuals as well as as a couple.
Be prepared to humbly admit when you are wrong. There is nothing wrong with being incorrect, no matter the subject. It is all in how you react to being wrong that can create the problem.
We could all die tomorrow. If you really take a moment to let that sink in, and I don't mean for you to think about the apocalypse or any other mythical act of destruction, whether biblical or man-made. Just sit and let the thought sink in for a moment. Everything you see in front of you......Gone, tomorrow.
Now think of all the arguments and disagreements you've had in the past, oh lets say, the past week. Think of all the petty and inconsequential arguments that won't mean a damn thing in a year. Or even 6 months. Think of how many people would be gone that you could never apologize to for hurting them. Think about how many times you yelled at your child instead of giving them a hug. Think about how many times you went to bed mad and your partner slept on the couch or slept all the way on the other side of the bed from you, because you were too proud to admit that you were wrong.
I don't know about all of you, but the thought of that has made me change my ways. I haven't completely reformed myself; I'm not perfect. But it does give me pause to think about my actions before I speak in anger, hurt, despair, denial, or frustration. I am far from perfect, but I can always learn better ways to be.
Back to relationship rules.....
Be supportive. Unless he/she is a serial killer or rapist or something equally destructive to morals, be supportive.
If he wants to learn how to Riverdance like Michael Flatly, applaud him and buy him his first pair of tap shoes. Or glue some pennies on his shoes and throw on some Irish music.
If she wants to go to Engineering school to learn astrophysics and become an astronaut, then buy some batteries, a good calculator, and a slide rule, because that woman is gonna go to Mars! Women are from Mars anyway.
Be real with each other. If he does something you don't like, politely bring it up when it's just the two of you and explain why it bothers you. If he absentmindedly scratches where itches when out in public, take his hand and hold it while you walk through the mall. If she smacks her lips every time she eats something succulent or sweet, then politely ask her to stop chewing like a cow. :D
Some of the things I will never fully understand are the fact that both men and women will complain incessantly about all the things that their partner does that annoys them or irritates them. But they pause and have to think about what attracted them to their partner in the first place. What made them fall for him/her. If he/she annoys you so much that you cannot fire off one good reason or trait that you absolutely adore about your partner, then maybe you shouldn't be together. If all you can do is focus on the irritating side of things, maybe you aren't meant to be with that person. And if looks and physical things are all that pop into your head when you think about him/her, just remember......Looks fade, but personality usually stays the same.
Don't give up on that person though, before you have really taken the time to look at them. Look at all the things they do for you, whether you properly appreciate them or not. Look at all the fun times you had together. And if you can't remember the last time you spent an evening really together (and I don't mean just sitting on the couch watching the same program for an hour, laughing at the same jokes), then maybe it is time to invest in some couples time.
Put down your phone. We are so enthralled with our technology now that I am hard pressed to name one person I know that doesn't own a smartphone. Go out to dinner with another couple, and stack your phones in the middle of the table. The first person to check their phone, pays the bill.Sit and talk to each other like it's 1982 and you don't have the world at your fingertips.
Turn off the TV and turn off the competitive edge to everything. Stop trying to one-up everyone. Yes, competition drives the economy, most of the time. But when it comes to couples, stop trying to be the one who earns more, plays more, or sleeps more.
Watch a documentary on PBS that neither of you like. Watch it, then turn the TV off and discuss what you just watched. Don't spend all of your time doing the same old thing.
Obviously, since I've spent more of my adult life single than with someone, I don't expect anyone to take my advice. But remember, those who can't do, teach. Those who can't wed, plan. :D I probably won't be planning any weddings any time soon, but I can hope that people learn from my own horrible dating experiences and remember what NOT to do.
Be humble. Be supportive. Be kind. Be loyal. Be truthful. Be you, because there is only one of you and no one can replace you. I have an ego of "I'm the best out there and you'll have to be damn special to change that", simply because I have yet to meet someone that is able to handle me and all my honesty and loyalty. Those who said they could, were proven to be liars and posers.
I may spend all of my life alone, never married. But that doesn't make me less of a person to go through life alone. It simply means that I am far too amazing to be tethered to one person. And I am ok with that.
Beautifully written and blatantly honest. Thats what I love about you and your posts. Wonderfully insightful words.
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