Something I'd never thought I'd have
Joy. Happiness. A place to call home.
I finally have what I wanted when I was a little girl, long before I was hit with the harsh reality that was growing up with my mother.
As most girls grow up with a mother that helps them with clothing, hair, boy problems, and makeup....Mine was too concerned with how much I had ruined her. Ruined her body. Ruined her mind. Ruined her ability to be whoever she wanted to be that day, because she had someone who relied on her to feed and clothe them.
Long story short, my mother and I have never gotten along. Maybe it was because, of the three kids (me, and my younger and older brothers) I was the only one she didn't breastfeed. Maybe it was because she felt pressured into having kids by my father, who she claims browbeat her into agreeing to have kids in some deluded idea that my father was competing with his younger brother. I grew up listening to my mother berate my father about me and the boys, because she never wanted kids yet she agreed because she didn't want my father to feel like less of a man because my uncle had kids but my father didn't. My mother is crazy, and that's putting it nicely.
But I digress. I finally have some time after the hectic last few months to sit down and write something. Anything, as long as it isn't a discussion post for class or a research paper. I have felt the urge to write for a while now, but something else always came up whenever I thought I had a few minutes to bang out a post.
I keep saying "finally", as if I'm down to my last days. For years, I didn't think I was good enough to be a mother, as my mother had beat it into my head when my oldest was born. It's the reason I don't talk to my mother lately, and haven't in years. There have been superficial conversations that last maybe 5 minutes before she says something about my childhood that reminds me why I don't talk to her anymore.
I mean, she is my mother. She's the only mother I'm ever going to have. However, having a mother and having a Mom are two completely different things. Anyone can be a mother. You don't have to be female to be a mother. But being a Mom? That is an entirely different ballgame. Being a mother means you had the physical means to give birth, to grow a human within you and nurture that baby until the day you pushed it out or had a doctor pull them out. However, being a Mom means you go out of your way to be self-less, to do for your child the best that you know how to, to make their lives every bit as awesome as you feel that yours was not. I only wish I had known back when my oldest daughter was born what I know now. Maybe then, I wouldn't have lost her.
I spent too many years listening to other people, and lost some of the most important things a person can ever have. Getting them back will take a lot of work, grit, and determination, some things I never really thought I lacked. I thought I was the center of the universe, the mastermind behind my own life. Reality was that I was not the mastermind of anything other than being the person everyone else wanted me to be. I was great at pretending. Pretending I wasn't hurting. Pretending I didn't care. Pretending that everything was fine, when it wasn't. And hadn't been for a long time, probably since I was born.
But now?
Now, I finally have what I thought I'd never have. I have a fantastic apartment, that is comfortable and inviting and clean. I have a wonderful little girl, who is my second chance. I hate to think of her that way, that I'm using her to make up for all my huge mistakes with my oldest, but it's the truth. She is my second chance, my chance to raise her the way I wasn't able to raise my oldest. It hurts to admit that, but I have to admit it before I can move past it. I have tried to be in contact with her, but sadly, I have not received a response of any kind, nor can I afford a lawyer from states away to battle in my absence in court.
But I finally have someone in my life, other than my best friend/sister, who accepts me for me, and all my weirdness. He accepts my daughter as his own, even though he admits he never wanted children of his own. He doesn't feel like society is in a good enough place to bring a child into the world. And I'm ok with that. I want to focus on us and the three of us being a family before we go throwing a baby in the mix. I have seen too many things go wrong when a baby comes along. If it happens, great! If it doesn't, I'm ok with that too. I love kids, but my mother taught me what NOT to do in life. That's the best thing she could ever give me, the unintentional advice of what not to do.
I have a job that, while it is stressful at times and customers can annoy the ever-loving sh*t out of me with their stupidity, I enjoy it, I don't dread having to get up early or stay up late for work. It pays the bills and provides decent insurance, so who am I to complain that I don't get weekends off? Or that I don't have a set, 9am to 5pm schedule? I'm happy that I have a job! Things could be so much worse. Yes, they can always be better, but there are more ways it could be worse, if I allow it.
I have decided, almost 6 months into 2017, that my resolutions for this year is to find the things to be positive about, instead of being negative all the time. Sure, getting up at 5am sucks sometimes, but it's better than being homeless because I lost my job. Staying up until 2am definitely sucks when you have a 4 year old at home who rises with the sun, but seeing her smiling face when she wakes up in the morning is worth being tired. I'll take being exhausted every day over the alternative of not having her.
I am on the President's List at Strayer University, and I appreciate the recognition of that list. Very few students are awarded a spot on that list. It means that I have achieved not only a 4.0 GPA for more than one term, but that the effort I put into class discussion every week has been recognized by the professors and I was nominated for the spot. I am grateful that I have the brains to complete the work, along with a full time job, an apartment, a kid who demands attention at the least opportune moments (usually when I'm on the phone), and a boyfriend who supports me in whatever I choose to do (unless it's murder. I'm pretty sure he's against me doing that 😏😏😏.)
I should probably work on not being so long winded, but I don't care! If you've made it this far, CONGRATS! If you haven't, oh well. No skin off my back. I am done worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I am going to concentrate on the things I do have, and the things I want to have. If you come along on this ride, that's fantastic. If you fall off along the way, I wish you the best. But for me, 2017 is the year I stop being everything to everyone and start being everything for the ones who matter most.
Focus on the big, important things, and the small things will fall into place on their own. I refuse to force things anymore. Force friendships. Force people to have integrity and stand by what they say and do. Force people to be honest and care about things other than what they can blame on others. I cannot babysit everyone, no matter how much I wish I could make everyone get along.
And now? ..... Time to go cuddle my little girl and sweep the never-ending Florida sand out of my living room. Until next time.....
I finally have what I wanted when I was a little girl, long before I was hit with the harsh reality that was growing up with my mother.
As most girls grow up with a mother that helps them with clothing, hair, boy problems, and makeup....Mine was too concerned with how much I had ruined her. Ruined her body. Ruined her mind. Ruined her ability to be whoever she wanted to be that day, because she had someone who relied on her to feed and clothe them.
Long story short, my mother and I have never gotten along. Maybe it was because, of the three kids (me, and my younger and older brothers) I was the only one she didn't breastfeed. Maybe it was because she felt pressured into having kids by my father, who she claims browbeat her into agreeing to have kids in some deluded idea that my father was competing with his younger brother. I grew up listening to my mother berate my father about me and the boys, because she never wanted kids yet she agreed because she didn't want my father to feel like less of a man because my uncle had kids but my father didn't. My mother is crazy, and that's putting it nicely.
But I digress. I finally have some time after the hectic last few months to sit down and write something. Anything, as long as it isn't a discussion post for class or a research paper. I have felt the urge to write for a while now, but something else always came up whenever I thought I had a few minutes to bang out a post.
I keep saying "finally", as if I'm down to my last days. For years, I didn't think I was good enough to be a mother, as my mother had beat it into my head when my oldest was born. It's the reason I don't talk to my mother lately, and haven't in years. There have been superficial conversations that last maybe 5 minutes before she says something about my childhood that reminds me why I don't talk to her anymore.
I mean, she is my mother. She's the only mother I'm ever going to have. However, having a mother and having a Mom are two completely different things. Anyone can be a mother. You don't have to be female to be a mother. But being a Mom? That is an entirely different ballgame. Being a mother means you had the physical means to give birth, to grow a human within you and nurture that baby until the day you pushed it out or had a doctor pull them out. However, being a Mom means you go out of your way to be self-less, to do for your child the best that you know how to, to make their lives every bit as awesome as you feel that yours was not. I only wish I had known back when my oldest daughter was born what I know now. Maybe then, I wouldn't have lost her.
I spent too many years listening to other people, and lost some of the most important things a person can ever have. Getting them back will take a lot of work, grit, and determination, some things I never really thought I lacked. I thought I was the center of the universe, the mastermind behind my own life. Reality was that I was not the mastermind of anything other than being the person everyone else wanted me to be. I was great at pretending. Pretending I wasn't hurting. Pretending I didn't care. Pretending that everything was fine, when it wasn't. And hadn't been for a long time, probably since I was born.
But now?
Now, I finally have what I thought I'd never have. I have a fantastic apartment, that is comfortable and inviting and clean. I have a wonderful little girl, who is my second chance. I hate to think of her that way, that I'm using her to make up for all my huge mistakes with my oldest, but it's the truth. She is my second chance, my chance to raise her the way I wasn't able to raise my oldest. It hurts to admit that, but I have to admit it before I can move past it. I have tried to be in contact with her, but sadly, I have not received a response of any kind, nor can I afford a lawyer from states away to battle in my absence in court.
But I finally have someone in my life, other than my best friend/sister, who accepts me for me, and all my weirdness. He accepts my daughter as his own, even though he admits he never wanted children of his own. He doesn't feel like society is in a good enough place to bring a child into the world. And I'm ok with that. I want to focus on us and the three of us being a family before we go throwing a baby in the mix. I have seen too many things go wrong when a baby comes along. If it happens, great! If it doesn't, I'm ok with that too. I love kids, but my mother taught me what NOT to do in life. That's the best thing she could ever give me, the unintentional advice of what not to do.
I have a job that, while it is stressful at times and customers can annoy the ever-loving sh*t out of me with their stupidity, I enjoy it, I don't dread having to get up early or stay up late for work. It pays the bills and provides decent insurance, so who am I to complain that I don't get weekends off? Or that I don't have a set, 9am to 5pm schedule? I'm happy that I have a job! Things could be so much worse. Yes, they can always be better, but there are more ways it could be worse, if I allow it.
I have decided, almost 6 months into 2017, that my resolutions for this year is to find the things to be positive about, instead of being negative all the time. Sure, getting up at 5am sucks sometimes, but it's better than being homeless because I lost my job. Staying up until 2am definitely sucks when you have a 4 year old at home who rises with the sun, but seeing her smiling face when she wakes up in the morning is worth being tired. I'll take being exhausted every day over the alternative of not having her.
I am on the President's List at Strayer University, and I appreciate the recognition of that list. Very few students are awarded a spot on that list. It means that I have achieved not only a 4.0 GPA for more than one term, but that the effort I put into class discussion every week has been recognized by the professors and I was nominated for the spot. I am grateful that I have the brains to complete the work, along with a full time job, an apartment, a kid who demands attention at the least opportune moments (usually when I'm on the phone), and a boyfriend who supports me in whatever I choose to do (unless it's murder. I'm pretty sure he's against me doing that 😏😏😏.)
I should probably work on not being so long winded, but I don't care! If you've made it this far, CONGRATS! If you haven't, oh well. No skin off my back. I am done worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I am going to concentrate on the things I do have, and the things I want to have. If you come along on this ride, that's fantastic. If you fall off along the way, I wish you the best. But for me, 2017 is the year I stop being everything to everyone and start being everything for the ones who matter most.
Focus on the big, important things, and the small things will fall into place on their own. I refuse to force things anymore. Force friendships. Force people to have integrity and stand by what they say and do. Force people to be honest and care about things other than what they can blame on others. I cannot babysit everyone, no matter how much I wish I could make everyone get along.
And now? ..... Time to go cuddle my little girl and sweep the never-ending Florida sand out of my living room. Until next time.....
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