Dating in my 30's, Part 2
So, since I signed up for eHarmoney about a month ago on my sister's advice, I've had less than a few....prospects? Matches? Potential boyfriends? I'm not sure what to call them. Anyway, I've had a few matches and even less have progressed past the second stage, when we send each other the "Makes or Breaks", which is 10 things that Make or Break a chance with that person. I don't like to keep the same ones all the time, since there are so many to choose from and so many times my thoughts have changed on it. What may bother me one day may seem like nothing to get worked up about the next day, so I like to change it every once in a while. That's probably a typical "girl thing" to do, but hey, I'm a girl and it's about time I started acting like one. Or so my sister teases me about.
I don't go for looks or money or profession or anything else. I simply want someone I can talk to that isn't looking to add to the notches on his belt for "landing another one". If we can get along and talk about things that seem unimportant a week from now, that's great! But my main issue is opening up and trusting someone. How do I let someone get close to me after I've been hurt and let down so many time? How can I put myself out there again, knowing that I give my all from day one and more often than not, people will take advantage of that and try to use me until they can't anymore?
I know I'm different than most women. I say what is on my mind and I enjoy meeting people and making them happy. I'm a giver; a lover, not a fighter. But my problem is this....People say they want one thing, and yet they chase after something completely different. Dating is stupid. People play games and show off, trying to get others to notice them. While I'm just sitting here like, if you don't like me, fine. It took me 20-something years to learn how to love myself. I don't have that kind of time to convince someone else. Either you like and accept me, or you don't. If you don't, step aside so the one who is worthy can step up. But everyone, myself included, is so terrified of being hurt that we close ourselves off and only chase the people we know are bad for us. The complete opposite of what we claim to want in our lives. That way, when it all goes south like it eventually does, we can blame someone else.
The Blame Game. Everyone has played it. "He cheated on me, so I burned his clothes". Or "She flirted with guys at work so I beat the shit out of her". But really, no one has responsibility over your actions but yourself. You are the one who choose to cheat. You are the one who flirted when you knew your man was insecure about it and it would cause issues. You were the one who just couldn't be happy with what you have. And I get it. I totally do. No one wants to settle; we all have high expectations of what our life will be like. But the worst thing you can do is believe that the image in your head of how you life will be is actually what will happen.
Listen to all of the PowerBall winners. "I never thought it would happen to me!" Look at all the people with cancer. "I never thought I would have breast cancer at 25" or "I never thought my child would have childhood leukemia". You never hear about all the people that dreamed of their life like a romance novel; They landed their dream job right out of college,they met the perfect man/woman, got married, had 2.5 kids and a dog, and lived happily ever after. That doesn't happen anymore. Would you like to know why, in my opinion?
Divorce. Divorce lawyers. It is easier to get a divorce and move on than it is for 2 people to try their hardest to make things work. I know what you're all thinking. "But K, not every marriage is destined to stay together forever!" Yes, I understand that. But think of it this way. If you stay with someone for, let's say 5 years before finally getting married, you should know that person pretty well, right? Well, in theory, anyway. So hypothetically, you've dated the person for 5 years and know everything there is to know about them. Their birthday (pretty easy), their favorite food (again, easy), the look on their face when they've had a really crappy day and just need a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and a hug. So you get married. It could be a fancy, expensive wedding or just going to the local courthouse and bringing a marriage license and a witness. But now you're married. Congrats!
Things are great for a while. And then, the honeymoon phase is over and you enter the dreaded "normal" phase, where you spend every waking moment together and all the little things that used to be cute and endearing, are now annoying and irritating. Surprise! Guess what changed? Um, that would be a big, fat NOTHING! All that changed is there is now a legal ramification to leaving the other person. Sure, some people will try therapy or counseling, but when it comes down to it, people are lazy. It is far easier to get a divorce and blame the other person for the marriage breaking apart than it is to say no, divorce is not an option with me. If you're mad, go sit your ass in the other room and we'll talk later.
Divorce is not an option with me. I know that is my biggest hurdle in letting someone close to me. That, and letting someone get close to my Minion. Because you can hurt me as much as you like and I'll bounce back. I always have. But if you hurt my child, there is nowhere you can run where you will be safe from the wrath of Momma Bear. That's really the only time when my strong side comes out - when my child is in danger or hurt.
I honestly don't want to spend my life alone, but I would rather be alone than in a bad situation. I'd rather raise my daughter alone than worry that someone will hurt her, physically or mentally or emotionally. I didn't have a mother that cared about me when I was young and a lot of things happened that only a few people know the truth about. But I'll be damned if I put my daughters in the position of not knowing who to turn to because someone they trusted was abusing them. (That's a story for another time, one I'm not sure I'll ever really share with the world. Not yet).
So in closing, people suck. Person #1 only values person #2 when that person has something #1 wants or can do something that benefits person #1. That goes for friendship and marriage. I have seen and heard plenty of people who got divorced because the sex was horrible or boring, or they realized they hated each other (which amazes me, because why did you get married if you weren't in love with that person?). One just doesn't fall out of love with their husband or wife. They may lose sight of that early love feeling, because of kids and work and responsibilities. But that doesn't mean that things cant be fixed. Try. Then try harder. As hard as you tried to win her, try that hard to keep her. As hard as you tried to make him believe you woke up with perfect hair and makeup every day, try that hard to keep him.
Maybe I'm just being an idealist, where the things I wish I could see will actually one day happen. Maybe I have just read too many romance novels and have become jaded that real life relationships aren't like the movies. Or maybe I think we have had way too much Beyonce and LIl Wayne and Kanye and not enough of The Beatles (All you need is love), Clapton (Wonderful Tonight), and the other quality music and performers of that era. That's a post for another time as well, the downfall of quality music.
I'm climbing down off my high horse now, but the idea still stands. If you loved them once, really truly loved them....you can get that feeling back if you both try hard enough. True feelings of love are never fully expired.
Blessed Be
I don't go for looks or money or profession or anything else. I simply want someone I can talk to that isn't looking to add to the notches on his belt for "landing another one". If we can get along and talk about things that seem unimportant a week from now, that's great! But my main issue is opening up and trusting someone. How do I let someone get close to me after I've been hurt and let down so many time? How can I put myself out there again, knowing that I give my all from day one and more often than not, people will take advantage of that and try to use me until they can't anymore?
I know I'm different than most women. I say what is on my mind and I enjoy meeting people and making them happy. I'm a giver; a lover, not a fighter. But my problem is this....People say they want one thing, and yet they chase after something completely different. Dating is stupid. People play games and show off, trying to get others to notice them. While I'm just sitting here like, if you don't like me, fine. It took me 20-something years to learn how to love myself. I don't have that kind of time to convince someone else. Either you like and accept me, or you don't. If you don't, step aside so the one who is worthy can step up. But everyone, myself included, is so terrified of being hurt that we close ourselves off and only chase the people we know are bad for us. The complete opposite of what we claim to want in our lives. That way, when it all goes south like it eventually does, we can blame someone else.
The Blame Game. Everyone has played it. "He cheated on me, so I burned his clothes". Or "She flirted with guys at work so I beat the shit out of her". But really, no one has responsibility over your actions but yourself. You are the one who choose to cheat. You are the one who flirted when you knew your man was insecure about it and it would cause issues. You were the one who just couldn't be happy with what you have. And I get it. I totally do. No one wants to settle; we all have high expectations of what our life will be like. But the worst thing you can do is believe that the image in your head of how you life will be is actually what will happen.
Listen to all of the PowerBall winners. "I never thought it would happen to me!" Look at all the people with cancer. "I never thought I would have breast cancer at 25" or "I never thought my child would have childhood leukemia". You never hear about all the people that dreamed of their life like a romance novel; They landed their dream job right out of college,they met the perfect man/woman, got married, had 2.5 kids and a dog, and lived happily ever after. That doesn't happen anymore. Would you like to know why, in my opinion?
Divorce. Divorce lawyers. It is easier to get a divorce and move on than it is for 2 people to try their hardest to make things work. I know what you're all thinking. "But K, not every marriage is destined to stay together forever!" Yes, I understand that. But think of it this way. If you stay with someone for, let's say 5 years before finally getting married, you should know that person pretty well, right? Well, in theory, anyway. So hypothetically, you've dated the person for 5 years and know everything there is to know about them. Their birthday (pretty easy), their favorite food (again, easy), the look on their face when they've had a really crappy day and just need a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and a hug. So you get married. It could be a fancy, expensive wedding or just going to the local courthouse and bringing a marriage license and a witness. But now you're married. Congrats!
Things are great for a while. And then, the honeymoon phase is over and you enter the dreaded "normal" phase, where you spend every waking moment together and all the little things that used to be cute and endearing, are now annoying and irritating. Surprise! Guess what changed? Um, that would be a big, fat NOTHING! All that changed is there is now a legal ramification to leaving the other person. Sure, some people will try therapy or counseling, but when it comes down to it, people are lazy. It is far easier to get a divorce and blame the other person for the marriage breaking apart than it is to say no, divorce is not an option with me. If you're mad, go sit your ass in the other room and we'll talk later.
Divorce is not an option with me. I know that is my biggest hurdle in letting someone close to me. That, and letting someone get close to my Minion. Because you can hurt me as much as you like and I'll bounce back. I always have. But if you hurt my child, there is nowhere you can run where you will be safe from the wrath of Momma Bear. That's really the only time when my strong side comes out - when my child is in danger or hurt.
I honestly don't want to spend my life alone, but I would rather be alone than in a bad situation. I'd rather raise my daughter alone than worry that someone will hurt her, physically or mentally or emotionally. I didn't have a mother that cared about me when I was young and a lot of things happened that only a few people know the truth about. But I'll be damned if I put my daughters in the position of not knowing who to turn to because someone they trusted was abusing them. (That's a story for another time, one I'm not sure I'll ever really share with the world. Not yet).
So in closing, people suck. Person #1 only values person #2 when that person has something #1 wants or can do something that benefits person #1. That goes for friendship and marriage. I have seen and heard plenty of people who got divorced because the sex was horrible or boring, or they realized they hated each other (which amazes me, because why did you get married if you weren't in love with that person?). One just doesn't fall out of love with their husband or wife. They may lose sight of that early love feeling, because of kids and work and responsibilities. But that doesn't mean that things cant be fixed. Try. Then try harder. As hard as you tried to win her, try that hard to keep her. As hard as you tried to make him believe you woke up with perfect hair and makeup every day, try that hard to keep him.
Maybe I'm just being an idealist, where the things I wish I could see will actually one day happen. Maybe I have just read too many romance novels and have become jaded that real life relationships aren't like the movies. Or maybe I think we have had way too much Beyonce and LIl Wayne and Kanye and not enough of The Beatles (All you need is love), Clapton (Wonderful Tonight), and the other quality music and performers of that era. That's a post for another time as well, the downfall of quality music.
I'm climbing down off my high horse now, but the idea still stands. If you loved them once, really truly loved them....you can get that feeling back if you both try hard enough. True feelings of love are never fully expired.
Blessed Be
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